CHANGES AND EMOTIONS

Just as I was descending towards something, I have another bit of oddness this morning as I was driving my way back home. Surprisingly for the first time I smiled reflecting things about being alone. I dropped a lot of anger before, eventually, comfort was regained. As I clear more away from my mind, I gained certainty and clearer view of reality; it will be easier I know.

So here I sit knowing that I'm much less skilled at momentary awareness. Yet, I know that by saying this, I'm just grasping after my own wants again. This seems to spiral to the core. No matter what I think, it's almost always about my pain, my joy, my situation. So I guess, I am allowing myself to be in the moment as the moment happens and consciously letting go of the opinions that just happen when phenomena occurs. I think about the relevance on why change occurs, unexpectedly and so sudden. In a nick of time, things or people change. I wanted everything to stay the same, but feelings fade and people change. It is in our nature to be resistant to change and to want things to stay the same. It is too bad that change is inevitable, and sometimes the feelings that we might have felt for someone or the feelings they might have felt for us may go away. Change is the transition from something old into something new, and is necessary for growth in a person's life. I am thinking about if we never aged or matured, I could not imagine being the same size that I was in my five years old of existence and only having the same amount of knowledge that I have this age. We have to maintain new changes in our lives on a regular basis in order to grow and reach our potential. Feelings fading, and people changing is a part of life, and if you are growing as a person, not everyone will grow with you. It is important not to forget my past, I’ve learned from it, and I use this wisdom to choose the people who will surround me on this coming days.

In our reality, we are kind of like filters. Our senses produce the phenomena we can react to. We experience and make judgments based on our connection with our past and react accordingly. So our resulting form is based by our filtering of phenomena, our resulting mind state and our karma or lack of it. So we go on filtering and creating, judging and acting. If everything we create is done by habit, we will continue to create a similar world. When these results are placed against the backdrop created by all beings we get a good or bad result. Everything is perfect as it is.

At this very moment, I am thinking of someone I really miss. Just so you know, whatever your background, whatever labels you wear, however horrible your existence may feel. I care about your struggle. The reason why - I recognize that your pain is the same as mine. I've felt the same frustration, confusion, hurt, anger and the rest. I know that the circumstance changes, but the feeling is the same. As soon as I think I have the right answer... I will look again; praying that I will not change. Truth is never static. It moves, it changes. As long as my heart keeps beating for you, I will hold on. When everything in this globe will fade and change, I am just here, waiting for you. I am caught in the situation where I feel there is no path. I admit I've limited myself through misconception and all the little greed and lusts; but I'm still looking for the better way. It's better if I think of you first. I hope some of the little bits of good I do reaches you in some interconnected way that surprises and inspires you.

Just so ya know…I MISS YOU!

-dyoyzee-

"BER BEGINS"

Despite all the hype, not everyone who is with their families and loved ones is actually having a fabulous time! A person can feel really lonely even if they have lots of people around them or they can feel completely fulfilled and content even if they are on your own.

It’s the first day of the month of September. I just had this thought this morning when I woke up, I’m choosing to be on my own for Christmas Day. Though it was a strange feeling, looking back it was also quite therapeutic. I actually enjoy being on my own in peace and in quiet, sounds weird though. I have this thought that wallows in self-pity since I will be all alone. Well, this feeling may not linger, it will be just for awhile. There are 113 days before Christmas and I know that before this day comes, a lot of smiles will be already been shared by me throughout my surroundings. I thank God for the air I breathe, my parents that I love most, my siblings that inspire me, my nieces and nephew who put smile in my face after a hard day. They are one of the big reasons why I had a real perspective that can actually make a great Christmas time every day of my life and not just for a few days.

In every phase of our lives, CHANGE is bound to come no matter how much we would have wanted to prevent it. We need to get our lives going on the next plane. I just want to share some things I went through that even the closest people in my life did not know it. There was a reason why I went into details with the parts of my life and that is because I believe that it was the point where everything started going haywire. I am going in directions I didn’t understand or could hardly keep up with. I was lost, depressed, losing weight but eating everything in sight. I was once an insomniac – sleeping most of the day away and going out at night. I was spending money like I had a paycheck to depend on at the end of the month. I cursed life and lost faith in God. I lost faith in everything. The only thing I believed in was the fact that there would always be somewhere to go, cigarettes to smoke and alcohol to be consumed.

The ironic thing was, people have often told me that I am one of, if not the only strongest person they know. To have gone through what I had gone through and not be in a mental hospital cooped up in a padded room was some sort of feat. They kept telling me that I could make it through anything because I was strong and courageous. Little did they know, I’d spend every moment crying endlessly. They didn’t know that I wanted to end my pain and suffering by taking a few too many pills or slipping with a blade in my hand, but I was just too damn chicken to actually do it.

So I kicked and screamed- “What exactly is my point?!” and then I knew. The point was and still is to NEVER LET GO, NEVER GIVE UP. The point is to just keep going. No matter what life may hurl at me, I will stand up straight and face it head on. Realizing all these things now, I will no longer be afraid of the low periods in my life, for they are the ones that shape me. I have been through what I have been through and nothing will ever change that or take it away. I AM WHAT AND WHO I AM. Looking back at past cuts and bruises, will always bring back that bitter taste and a painful memory but that’s all it is – a MEMORY. I ASK YOU TO RUN YOUR FINGERS OVER MY SCARS AND FEEL EACH AND EVERY GROOVE. I will always remember how I have got them in the first place and I vow that I won’t get one in the same spot, ever again. I WILL LET GO OF IT NOW. Whatever those statements mean to me, I will just do it. If it means crying hysterically and sobbing until I can’t breathe anymore, I will do it. If I need to call a friend and I will ask him or her to just sit quietly with me, I will do it. If it means releasing the bitter-sweet memory by repeating a mantra, I will do it. Whatever takes to survive, I WILL DO IT.

No matter what happens on or before this Christmas, I know that I can only give myself what I want in terms of happiness and joy. I will always be thankful and it is a personal growth having this opportunity for “ME-TIME”. WASALAK!!!

Advance Merry Christmas to everyone!

-dyoyzee-