"BER BEGINS"

Despite all the hype, not everyone who is with their families and loved ones is actually having a fabulous time! A person can feel really lonely even if they have lots of people around them or they can feel completely fulfilled and content even if they are on your own.

It’s the first day of the month of September. I just had this thought this morning when I woke up, I’m choosing to be on my own for Christmas Day. Though it was a strange feeling, looking back it was also quite therapeutic. I actually enjoy being on my own in peace and in quiet, sounds weird though. I have this thought that wallows in self-pity since I will be all alone. Well, this feeling may not linger, it will be just for awhile. There are 113 days before Christmas and I know that before this day comes, a lot of smiles will be already been shared by me throughout my surroundings. I thank God for the air I breathe, my parents that I love most, my siblings that inspire me, my nieces and nephew who put smile in my face after a hard day. They are one of the big reasons why I had a real perspective that can actually make a great Christmas time every day of my life and not just for a few days.

In every phase of our lives, CHANGE is bound to come no matter how much we would have wanted to prevent it. We need to get our lives going on the next plane. I just want to share some things I went through that even the closest people in my life did not know it. There was a reason why I went into details with the parts of my life and that is because I believe that it was the point where everything started going haywire. I am going in directions I didn’t understand or could hardly keep up with. I was lost, depressed, losing weight but eating everything in sight. I was once an insomniac – sleeping most of the day away and going out at night. I was spending money like I had a paycheck to depend on at the end of the month. I cursed life and lost faith in God. I lost faith in everything. The only thing I believed in was the fact that there would always be somewhere to go, cigarettes to smoke and alcohol to be consumed.

The ironic thing was, people have often told me that I am one of, if not the only strongest person they know. To have gone through what I had gone through and not be in a mental hospital cooped up in a padded room was some sort of feat. They kept telling me that I could make it through anything because I was strong and courageous. Little did they know, I’d spend every moment crying endlessly. They didn’t know that I wanted to end my pain and suffering by taking a few too many pills or slipping with a blade in my hand, but I was just too damn chicken to actually do it.

So I kicked and screamed- “What exactly is my point?!” and then I knew. The point was and still is to NEVER LET GO, NEVER GIVE UP. The point is to just keep going. No matter what life may hurl at me, I will stand up straight and face it head on. Realizing all these things now, I will no longer be afraid of the low periods in my life, for they are the ones that shape me. I have been through what I have been through and nothing will ever change that or take it away. I AM WHAT AND WHO I AM. Looking back at past cuts and bruises, will always bring back that bitter taste and a painful memory but that’s all it is – a MEMORY. I ASK YOU TO RUN YOUR FINGERS OVER MY SCARS AND FEEL EACH AND EVERY GROOVE. I will always remember how I have got them in the first place and I vow that I won’t get one in the same spot, ever again. I WILL LET GO OF IT NOW. Whatever those statements mean to me, I will just do it. If it means crying hysterically and sobbing until I can’t breathe anymore, I will do it. If I need to call a friend and I will ask him or her to just sit quietly with me, I will do it. If it means releasing the bitter-sweet memory by repeating a mantra, I will do it. Whatever takes to survive, I WILL DO IT.

No matter what happens on or before this Christmas, I know that I can only give myself what I want in terms of happiness and joy. I will always be thankful and it is a personal growth having this opportunity for “ME-TIME”. WASALAK!!!

Advance Merry Christmas to everyone!

-dyoyzee-