As I remember last night, I was high – spirited with alcohol. BUT I love how the universe speaks to me now, although hangover sets in, I can manage to write and spur on my ideas, sentiments and ambience. All of my life I have cared way too much about what other people think of me. I don’t know where this personality trait comes from, but even from a young age I have always been a people-pleaser. Whether I was trying to please my parents by getting the best grades, or trying to please my teachers by being one of the model students, if I wasn’t doing perfectly and making people proud of me, I was not content. As an adult I carried this into my laugh life, nah! Love life actually. Generally, I would digress now. If they choose to be unsupportive or disapproving, I have realized that, that is their problem, not mine. And it is not worth a moment of my precious energy trying to please them. (I’m pertaining to everyone here and past relationships)
The scars and memories are deep yet it is challenging. Learn and innate the power of surviving. This statement always appears when I’m into “dark nights”. The fact that staring into the void has become a habit for me of day time and of late. Almost every night, I would sit by the window of my room, looking up at the heavens, idle and motionless. Sometimes, I would sit still and watch my thoughts drift like the clouds. In the dark, I remain quiet, unmoving. Sometimes, a thought would flicker as I glance upon the stars. Other times, it’s a passive, even useless routine of killing time. Amidst in this play of light, darkness and shades of gray comes a memory that awakens me. Am I just being used? Can’t I be pleased? Been a people pleaser for so long, do I expect too much? I could handle change in one sphere or two. But to have more than that? Whoah! I find it really really radical. So after last night, my only reaction by now is temporary paralysis. Yes, I have chosen to be figuratively catatonic. It is a good thing, at least I could play dead and allow myself to get used to the discomfort that clings unto my skin. Worst hangover it seems!
Seriously, these changes that have just happened will be taking place within the week / months or a year and I really don’t know. It is taxing me in more ways than one. I have yet to count the changes to occur. Then again, I am far from being rattled. The precocious creeping of the hurting doesn’t delight me. At this point, I am just being stunned. Because I know for one that we all have to go through stages that would bring us to zones beyond our comfort in order for us to grow. It is crucial that I now embrace change no matter how difficult it may seem in the beginning. It is outside my region of ease where new learning resides. You see, I love the silence. I really do. It is uncomfortable but staying in it has allowed me to reflect on things. The silence is queasy but I would linger a few hours more. Despite the discomfort that is twinned with, I will remain. There, I think I just made my first step out of my area of ease. Perhaps, somebody will come to join me beyond comfort. Anyways, there are so much exciting things to do and go…
People fear what they don’t understand, and unfortunately, too many only understand existing, and not living.
-dyoyzee-
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