EFFECTIVE OUTLET

YESTERDAY is 28, the number that reminds me the most painful and profound loss I’ve ever experienced when my best friend, the truest and most trusted friend I’d ever had on this Earth left me. That day had come and knocked me down into the darkness. The pain was tangible. When someone took up all your thoughts and feelings for 7 months straight it can take a while to get used to the emptiness when they’re gone and that space will never completely fill again, because there’s no other person who will fit with you the way they did. They have that part of you, but you have a part of them too. The people who make enough of an impression will stay with you. But TODAY I made a decision. I made a decision that I would no longer allow any negative thoughts to get the better of me, I don’t want to feel cut out of life!

So as I sit here on September 28, 2011, I find myself completely stupefied as to how a simple little thought on a dark day 7 months ago, could have completely changed my life, and the lives of people around me. One day, as I was browsing my Facebook account, my brother in law in Canada told me that I could make money out of blogging and the idea of it tucked into the back of my mind as something that I will give attention later. After all, I wasn’t a writer nor had I ever wanted to be. I had no idea that simple little thoughts could have such an impact on other people. I had my days that I don’t want to get up from bed and don’t want to write but sometimes I can hardly imagine a prettier way to live if all things are subject to go downstream. I guess time has a way of making everything alright; it's just there is not enough of it. And so we drink and we sing and we celebrate this so called life. So the idea of blogging is one of my favorites. There are times when blogging can be tough and it feels like I have just run out of ideas for blog posts, can’t find the spark that will ignite my thoughts back into action and keeps me to write. Sometimes, I need inspiration, or whenever I’m in pain and been too emotional, I could easily write down my sentiments.

There was a time when I’m on a journey to somewhere, my unconscious mind takes over and I think of every possible article heading, so I have my pen and paper while traveling. There will come a point after a few minutes when I just cannot think of anymore. So I STOP for a few moment and ideas just come along just like a train, passengers get off the train and walk down the platform and then eventually the train keeps going again after. Due to boredom, I keep doing this until nothing else comes out. So sometimes, I don’t have anything interesting in mind to write about. People often ask me how I come up with things to blog about and I find the question strange, because mostly I write about things that actually happen in my life. And I don’t really care how many views my blogs would have as long as I express myself. There are plenty of times that we feel unheard by important people in our lives and we end up searching for ways to show or let them know how we feel. Writing isn’t just a hobby but it can be your best friend. There are people who cannot speak out what they feel but can write very beautiful masterpieces and I am one. It’s like putting into those words the dreams that I cannot do in actual life. If done correctly, writing something can help me ease the pain and can even manipulate or help other people as well. So writing is not just a hobby for me, and now a best friend. The best way to write something is just write anything you want while the emotions are running and then edit or proofread later. Writing is an outlet for emotions. Writing allows me to really focus on what’s in my heart. Writing is very therapeutic. It allows me to escape reality, but at the same time face reality. Sometimes our emotions can create certain creativity that turns to art.

When I look to the future, I sometimes wonder what will happen in my life. We are living in very uncertain times. I cannot think of a time in the succeeding years when there have been so many things shaping up to create a perfect storm. I hope I will begin to look at each day as a little more special.

YESTERDAY IS A HISTORY, TOMORROW WILL BE A MYSTERY, TODAY IS A GIFT THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED THE PRESENT.

-dyoyzee-

STILLNESS AND SILENCE

As I remember last night, I was high – spirited with alcohol. BUT I love how the universe speaks to me now, although hangover sets in, I can manage to write and spur on my ideas, sentiments and ambience.

All of my life I have cared way too much about what other people think of me. I don’t know where this personality trait comes from, but even from a young age I have always been a people-pleaser. Whether I was trying to please my parents by getting the best grades, or trying to please my teachers by being one of the model students, if I wasn’t doing perfectly and making people proud of me, I was not content. As an adult I carried this into my laugh life, nah! Love life actually. Generally, I would digress now. If they choose to be unsupportive or disapproving, I have realized that, that is their problem, not mine. And it is not worth a moment of my precious energy trying to please them. (I’m pertaining to everyone here and past relationships)

The scars and memories are deep yet it is challenging. Learn and innate the power of surviving. This statement always appears when I’m into “dark nights”. The fact that staring into the void has become a habit for me of day time and of late. Almost every night, I would sit by the window of my room, looking up at the heavens, idle and motionless. Sometimes, I would sit still and watch my thoughts drift like the clouds. In the dark, I remain quiet, unmoving. Sometimes, a thought would flicker as I glance upon the stars. Other times, it’s a passive, even useless routine of killing time. Amidst in this play of light, darkness and shades of gray comes a memory that awakens me. Am I just being used? Can’t I be pleased? Been a people pleaser for so long, do I expect too much? I could handle change in one sphere or two. But to have more than that? Whoah! I find it really really radical. So after last night, my only reaction by now is temporary paralysis. Yes, I have chosen to be figuratively catatonic. It is a good thing, at least I could play dead and allow myself to get used to the discomfort that clings unto my skin. Worst hangover it seems!

Seriously, these changes that have just happened will be taking place within the week / months or a year and I really don’t know. It is taxing me in more ways than one. I have yet to count the changes to occur. Then again, I am far from being rattled. The precocious creeping of the hurting doesn’t delight me. At this point, I am just being stunned. Because I know for one that we all have to go through stages that would bring us to zones beyond our comfort in order for us to grow. It is crucial that I now embrace change no matter how difficult it may seem in the beginning. It is outside my region of ease where new learning resides. You see, I love the silence. I really do. It is uncomfortable but staying in it has allowed me to reflect on things. The silence is queasy but I would linger a few hours more. Despite the discomfort that is twinned with, I will remain. There, I think I just made my first step out of my area of ease. Perhaps, somebody will come to join me beyond comfort. Anyways, there are so much exciting things to do and go…

People fear what they don’t understand, and unfortunately, too many only understand existing, and not living.

-dyoyzee-

CHANGES AND EMOTIONS

Just as I was descending towards something, I have another bit of oddness this morning as I was driving my way back home. Surprisingly for the first time I smiled reflecting things about being alone. I dropped a lot of anger before, eventually, comfort was regained. As I clear more away from my mind, I gained certainty and clearer view of reality; it will be easier I know.

So here I sit knowing that I'm much less skilled at momentary awareness. Yet, I know that by saying this, I'm just grasping after my own wants again. This seems to spiral to the core. No matter what I think, it's almost always about my pain, my joy, my situation. So I guess, I am allowing myself to be in the moment as the moment happens and consciously letting go of the opinions that just happen when phenomena occurs. I think about the relevance on why change occurs, unexpectedly and so sudden. In a nick of time, things or people change. I wanted everything to stay the same, but feelings fade and people change. It is in our nature to be resistant to change and to want things to stay the same. It is too bad that change is inevitable, and sometimes the feelings that we might have felt for someone or the feelings they might have felt for us may go away. Change is the transition from something old into something new, and is necessary for growth in a person's life. I am thinking about if we never aged or matured, I could not imagine being the same size that I was in my five years old of existence and only having the same amount of knowledge that I have this age. We have to maintain new changes in our lives on a regular basis in order to grow and reach our potential. Feelings fading, and people changing is a part of life, and if you are growing as a person, not everyone will grow with you. It is important not to forget my past, I’ve learned from it, and I use this wisdom to choose the people who will surround me on this coming days.

In our reality, we are kind of like filters. Our senses produce the phenomena we can react to. We experience and make judgments based on our connection with our past and react accordingly. So our resulting form is based by our filtering of phenomena, our resulting mind state and our karma or lack of it. So we go on filtering and creating, judging and acting. If everything we create is done by habit, we will continue to create a similar world. When these results are placed against the backdrop created by all beings we get a good or bad result. Everything is perfect as it is.

At this very moment, I am thinking of someone I really miss. Just so you know, whatever your background, whatever labels you wear, however horrible your existence may feel. I care about your struggle. The reason why - I recognize that your pain is the same as mine. I've felt the same frustration, confusion, hurt, anger and the rest. I know that the circumstance changes, but the feeling is the same. As soon as I think I have the right answer... I will look again; praying that I will not change. Truth is never static. It moves, it changes. As long as my heart keeps beating for you, I will hold on. When everything in this globe will fade and change, I am just here, waiting for you. I am caught in the situation where I feel there is no path. I admit I've limited myself through misconception and all the little greed and lusts; but I'm still looking for the better way. It's better if I think of you first. I hope some of the little bits of good I do reaches you in some interconnected way that surprises and inspires you.

Just so ya know…I MISS YOU!

-dyoyzee-

THE REASONS

Love is only a word that will become meaningful when it is defined by the people who gave meaning to it. When I first met you, I had no idea you would mean this much to me.

The simplest way to deal with love is to let your heart be free to feel what it wants to feel. Yesterday you asked me, why do I love you? I start thinking and then ask myself, why?
Why do I love you? I think and smile. It's easy to tell how much you love a person, but how much you MEAN it is important. Words should match to every action no matter what circumstances.

I just want to give you just a little glimpse of how much love is in my heart for you and how much you mean to me and maybe do something that no one else has ever done for you before. Here are the reasons why I love you.

1. I smile like a fool whenever I think of you
2. Your smile gives me happiness
3. Because you brighten up my day for simply existing
4. How you always stand up for what you believe in
5. For your confidence
6. When you dance
7. Your crazy voices, sounds, and imitations
8. How you are always kind to squishy
9. How you are always concerned about me and my well-being
10. The fact that you were willing to take a chance on me.
11. The fact that I learn new things and accept them because of you
12. When I wake up in the morning I feel you inside me
13. Right before everything went black, you’re the very last thing that enters my mind
14. How you always know what to say and how to say it in any situation
15. How you scared me when you didn’t catch your train
16. You make me get out of bed and talk to you in your time zone
17. When you let me watch you while you are sleeping
18. You convince me to tell my father about us
19. Because I can never hide a smile for you
20. Because you are all I want
21. Because you show me anything is possible
22. Your name is a verb and sometimes an adverb
23. Even if sometimes you break my heart
24. When you call me baby
25. Just seeing you makes my life light up
26. You call me baby even the “lads” are around in the “room”
27. When you are jealous
28. When you call me in my name, my full name: D
29. Because I’m constantly thinking about you
30. Because I can
31. Because of the way I feel when I look at you
32. Because I can’t resist you while I’m being mad at you at times
33. You thought me how to love when I thought I couldn’t
34. I love the way you look when you’re confused
35. Because of who you are
36. Because you told me to stay with you even if I’m losing my grip
37. Because we can video call for hours on end
38. Because you sweeten my sour days
39. Because of your simple gestures
40. Because hating you is too hard
41. You are inspiring and intelligent
42. When you told me you had “planking” lol
43. You make it humanly impossible to be mad at you
44. You are sweeter than my favorite chocolate = snickers
45. When I had a deep thinking in my hotel room, I thought of you
46. You make me forget the things around me, and I say “its offline” lol
47. You make my time stop for you
48. There are millions to say how I love you
49. I love you when you are open –mouthed while you are asleep
50. When you told me we’ll go to bed together
51. Because you open up some things to me
52. You have the ability to break my heart but I trust you won’t
53. Because nothing compares to you
54. When you still remember the first thing I’ve told you
55. Because you are trying to stop me from my vices :p
56. Because you care
57. . …you’re simply irresistible
58. You kiss me on cam when I ask it
59. You mended the pieces of my heart together
60. . …you’re hot
61. . …you’re plain and simple
62. You told me to just relax and everything’s okay
63. You stay up late to talk to me
64. When you smile, it makes me want to smile too
65. You let me wait until you are ready
66. Even though you’re far away, I feel like you are close
67. . …that’s how it’s meant to be
68. . …you don’t even have to try to make me smile
69. . …and I don’t care it’s long distance
70. . …when you smile at me, my day is complete
71. You appreciate me
72. You make me stop and stare
73. You make me jealous
74. The reasons are limitless
75. You are my all of the above

The 'why' of love cannot be explained. It just is. The fact that there are still days coming, I can still think a million plus reasons why I love you…BABY, I love you with all my heart.

-dyoyzee-

"BER BEGINS"

Despite all the hype, not everyone who is with their families and loved ones is actually having a fabulous time! A person can feel really lonely even if they have lots of people around them or they can feel completely fulfilled and content even if they are on your own.

It’s the first day of the month of September. I just had this thought this morning when I woke up, I’m choosing to be on my own for Christmas Day. Though it was a strange feeling, looking back it was also quite therapeutic. I actually enjoy being on my own in peace and in quiet, sounds weird though. I have this thought that wallows in self-pity since I will be all alone. Well, this feeling may not linger, it will be just for awhile. There are 113 days before Christmas and I know that before this day comes, a lot of smiles will be already been shared by me throughout my surroundings. I thank God for the air I breathe, my parents that I love most, my siblings that inspire me, my nieces and nephew who put smile in my face after a hard day. They are one of the big reasons why I had a real perspective that can actually make a great Christmas time every day of my life and not just for a few days.

In every phase of our lives, CHANGE is bound to come no matter how much we would have wanted to prevent it. We need to get our lives going on the next plane. I just want to share some things I went through that even the closest people in my life did not know it. There was a reason why I went into details with the parts of my life and that is because I believe that it was the point where everything started going haywire. I am going in directions I didn’t understand or could hardly keep up with. I was lost, depressed, losing weight but eating everything in sight. I was once an insomniac – sleeping most of the day away and going out at night. I was spending money like I had a paycheck to depend on at the end of the month. I cursed life and lost faith in God. I lost faith in everything. The only thing I believed in was the fact that there would always be somewhere to go, cigarettes to smoke and alcohol to be consumed.

The ironic thing was, people have often told me that I am one of, if not the only strongest person they know. To have gone through what I had gone through and not be in a mental hospital cooped up in a padded room was some sort of feat. They kept telling me that I could make it through anything because I was strong and courageous. Little did they know, I’d spend every moment crying endlessly. They didn’t know that I wanted to end my pain and suffering by taking a few too many pills or slipping with a blade in my hand, but I was just too damn chicken to actually do it.

So I kicked and screamed- “What exactly is my point?!” and then I knew. The point was and still is to NEVER LET GO, NEVER GIVE UP. The point is to just keep going. No matter what life may hurl at me, I will stand up straight and face it head on. Realizing all these things now, I will no longer be afraid of the low periods in my life, for they are the ones that shape me. I have been through what I have been through and nothing will ever change that or take it away. I AM WHAT AND WHO I AM. Looking back at past cuts and bruises, will always bring back that bitter taste and a painful memory but that’s all it is – a MEMORY. I ASK YOU TO RUN YOUR FINGERS OVER MY SCARS AND FEEL EACH AND EVERY GROOVE. I will always remember how I have got them in the first place and I vow that I won’t get one in the same spot, ever again. I WILL LET GO OF IT NOW. Whatever those statements mean to me, I will just do it. If it means crying hysterically and sobbing until I can’t breathe anymore, I will do it. If I need to call a friend and I will ask him or her to just sit quietly with me, I will do it. If it means releasing the bitter-sweet memory by repeating a mantra, I will do it. Whatever takes to survive, I WILL DO IT.

No matter what happens on or before this Christmas, I know that I can only give myself what I want in terms of happiness and joy. I will always be thankful and it is a personal growth having this opportunity for “ME-TIME”. WASALAK!!!

Advance Merry Christmas to everyone!

-dyoyzee-