FLAWS & ALL

It feels summer although it’s rainy season already! Sure, the sun is hot - it just leaves me in darkness way too early. It happens at times that people take me for a boy, and I must say, I don’t dress feminine and I'm more on Tees and shorts. Being 5’ 5” tall and with manly gestures probably has something to do with it too.  But it happens every seldom and most of the time it's manifested in some stranger saying ''excuse me sir'', “boss”, in my native language, “manong”, in Filipino language, “kuya”.

The other day I went over to my nephew’s room and I was watching him playing on his PSP, all of a sudden he looks up at me and says:"Are you a girl?" A little taken aback by the question, I nodded, laughed a little and say."Yes, of course I am a girl; I am your tita" Gian looks at me, wobbling on his stature, just to fire off the next question. "Are you in love with a boy?" (I am very out to my family, and they have all met my ex on several occasions) Even more flustered I have to tell him "No" after I have answered him he looks at me, nods, and then he announces. "You are in love with a girl" Well, I am happy we established that, I am not a boy and I am not in love with a boy, and I guess I should be happy that my nephew, at his early age, could catch up things so easily. 

 

 It’s the first day of October and I feel gloomy. So here I am, writing my first article in October. Right now, I love the song Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj, I am not a Nick fan but this song caught my attention.  I am not perfect and I am far from being one. I understand that, but I just want people to love me and accept me unconditionally.  I am flawed; I worry about everything. I believe in taking calculated risk in life, loving more than think you can, hanging on a second longer than the moment you want to let go, and smiling when it hurts. Point out my flaws. I know I have them and so with my girl. So my  girlfriend have these days where I don’t know why she’s being  upset, down, depressed, angry, irritated, frustrated, and could change moods really quick. Sometimes, she gets angry over things that really shouldn’t matter at all and I hope she noticed that I am THE ONE who will understand her flaws. At first I am hesitant to tell her and drill it to her about it, but now, I am no longer afraid to tell her so. I just don’t want her to feel that I am putting her back in my place and by that I don’t mean to degrade her.  I look at her equally as myself. I hope she feels that I always put her side in my shoe and I already accepted her as for what she is. I actually take the time to listen to some uncomfortable, difficult feeling like guilt or anger or unworthiness she tells.  I’ve noticed that there seems to be this hazy area between what is considered hating on a character versus discussing flaws. I think there’s a difference, but the term “hate” seems to just get thrown around left and right. The flaws have some sort of reasoning. Hate disregards reasoning. AND I am trying to shelter her from this harshness of this world.  The ways I express and explain to her are not always the best. And as partners, there are struggles with it. I think it’s clear to see that people were going to get hurt, and we are included. We all deal with the feelings of being flawed or not good enough, at times. Just to sum it all, it is love and acceptance where we can understand where that comes from and acknowledge that anyone who has been through it. I just take her with kindness and compassion. I know everybody has its flaws. We just have to learn to love and accept it. When we love our flaws we create an environment where we’re either able to make the kinds of specific changes we truly want. All of these things, in my own experience, are much easier said than done. And, when we’re able to tell the truth, express our real emotions, forgive ourselves, appreciate our flaws, and bring love to all aspects of our lives (both light and dark), we give ourselves the opportunity to transcend our flaws in a real way.

It was a complex position that was bound to hurt people. Life isn’t easy and it is full of curve balls, potholes, and seemingly endless inclines. It wouldn’t be life otherwise. Live it. Don’t fear it. Enjoy it. Don’t waste it. This life is what we make it. No matter what, we are going to mess up sometimes, and it’s a universal truth. But the good part is we get to decide how we’re going to mess it up. Just because when we failed once, it doesn’t mean we will fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always believe in ourselves because if we don’t, then who will? All the pain, the fear and the crap maybe going through all that and it is what keeping us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up. So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

-dyoyzee-