WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

It’s almost half a month I haven’t written a blog entry for this FIRST month of  2013. Just two days ago, I had a tumbled heart, I was in a bit of shock because I was shaking inside of me as I went outside from somewhere( I just don’t want to exactly specify what it is). My ribs were tender and I could hardly breathe, my tears began to fall as I sat on a bus going nowhere, I call it a day!  It’s disappointing to feel sad and essentially, I was being robbed of my right to choose what I have to feel. I cannot fake it; the feeling on redeeming part of sadness is momentarily exhilarating. This is the stage where there are lots of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I tried to force myself not to be sad. I just lay down all day on the couch in a catatonic state trying to get myself to just stand up or loose the battle. I call it zombie days where I am completely shut down and completely looking ways to distract myself from my feelings. I suspect I am not alone in feeling this way. I think it is important to allow myself not be happy sometimes in order to improve my mood when feeling down. Today I'm having one of those days where everything just feels hopeless. I've had a lot of these days recently, which I think is why it seems even worse, because this has been going on for so long. I've felt so down for 2 weeks already but I’ll get through it. I know it will get better. I just need to find what makes me happy. I'm just hoping I can figure that out soon because right now I just feel very lost. But it will get better. It will be okay.

If only my life is like a movie, the turning point of my depression is inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled episodes on seizing my demons and just go on and live the rest of my life to happiness. If it is just that easy, I would hang in there. Life is easy but I am on the league of complicating it. I can totally identify. I get sad and mad at the same time at myself which gets nothing better. I guess feeling this way is just normal, a turning point. I just don’t understand why it happens but I know that the epic me will overcome this. What I always whisper is this phrase “GOD, please load me up". This crushing feeling would make and build me to have a better outlook in life. I am a strong-willed person. Depression is bad enough but if I trip on the aisle of the mart of my choice, I know very well I could conquer this, and I’ll just keep my head held high and point the universe that I deserve a kick in the nuts. The point is to be positive and stay positive all the time, which is the most important thing one could feel. I have a life. I am important and I do matter. So I have this touchstone now, I feel beaten down but all I know is that I don’t really need to just sit around and wait for other people to evoke my feelings. Instead, I can take responsibility to create my inner world. Pain is an indication that I need to set boundaries and take better care for myself. Yet sometimes, it is a reminder that it is human to hurt, to feel the pain and let ourselves get through it. That means feeling the pain and knowing it will pass. Lastly, negative feelings are only negative if they are enduring and excessive. We won’t hurt ourselves into internal misery, if we let ourselves what we need to. So far at the end of this day, the world still keeps on moving and the feelings that are associated with my world goes along with it. Everything we experience helps us realize how beautiful life really is.

I can make it through the rain J

-dyoyzee-