TWO MAGIC WORDS: START AGAIN

You ain't got anything if you ain't got love. So, this is my life and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. Not felt this good about myself and life in ages, quite content at the moment actually. Things are going pretty good for once and I’ve been happy go lucky back. As I wake up this morning, I looked up in the sky and smiled at HIM, I’ve never been better. 2013 I’m beginning to think that you are going to be a brill year.

So I talked to myself in the mirror this morning, it’s high time to focus on myself and regroup. Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. I have finally come to terms that it is time to fly out and discover that there’s a whole new possibility of having a greater, better relationship with someone new. BUT, it is just way TOO SOON to fall in love again. I just know and feel that I can still love a lot of people even when my heart is under construction. I figure it will happen when it does, whether I am ready or not.

While I sit back and began drinking my coffee, I’VE GOT A WEIRD THING IN MY MIND. I felt I have acquired a low self-esteem probably years ago but I’ve come to realize that those negative thoughts actually have some use. First, they tell me in the moment where I’m “coming from” meaning it’s just a great indicator of what I’m creating for myself. Second, and even more useful, they help me see what it is that I want. Every negative thought has a positive thought behind it somewhere. I think part of the key is I need to see another choice of what to think, and once I’ll see that, I will be moving to that other thought naturally without force. Our thoughts are referential, we can remember that we spend most of our time; we simply measure up the world that we’ve created for ourselves up against the world that we want. With that little slight shift of attention from the world we’ve created to the world we want to create, our power can be restored. I believe though going back at one seemed to be a little harder once again. But hey, I’ve survived at first and this time, I’ll do it again. Well, I’m a firm believer. Things are bit hard at this moment of time. Problems may come but it will not stay that long to me. I was born a fighter and eventually, I will pick up on things quite quickly. I need to commit to changing; I’ll be kind, gentle and supportive of myself day by day. To be honest, I thought it was stupid to walk around telling myself “I am confident” and “I am good at what I do.” But I allowed myself to have an open mind and I found that it did work. Of course, that serves a resolution to me now. Talking to myself in the mirror is a bit challenge and it has given me a greater insights. That’s just who I am. I want to live in the moment and seize the day with nothing to worry more, but myself. There's one thing I have in my mind right now and that is for sure, I will love again...

To my future girlfriend, I have a short message for you:

If you would only come too soon, clearly I have no idea on who you are, what you look like, where you reside, how you act and when and where we will meet, but one thing is for sure: I’ll love you with all that I am.

Insights to remember:

Love is like a picnic: you bring what you can and share it with your loved one. If you bring more, it is not important, since you know that your beloved will try to provide more at another time. If the love is not profound, there will be questions about “what is around and served in the table”. Patience is also important. If someone genuinely cares about you, they’ll be patient with you; however, remember to have patience for yourself as well. 

-dyoyzee-

                                                      

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

It’s almost half a month I haven’t written a blog entry for this FIRST month of  2013. Just two days ago, I had a tumbled heart, I was in a bit of shock because I was shaking inside of me as I went outside from somewhere( I just don’t want to exactly specify what it is). My ribs were tender and I could hardly breathe, my tears began to fall as I sat on a bus going nowhere, I call it a day!  It’s disappointing to feel sad and essentially, I was being robbed of my right to choose what I have to feel. I cannot fake it; the feeling on redeeming part of sadness is momentarily exhilarating. This is the stage where there are lots of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I tried to force myself not to be sad. I just lay down all day on the couch in a catatonic state trying to get myself to just stand up or loose the battle. I call it zombie days where I am completely shut down and completely looking ways to distract myself from my feelings. I suspect I am not alone in feeling this way. I think it is important to allow myself not be happy sometimes in order to improve my mood when feeling down. Today I'm having one of those days where everything just feels hopeless. I've had a lot of these days recently, which I think is why it seems even worse, because this has been going on for so long. I've felt so down for 2 weeks already but I’ll get through it. I know it will get better. I just need to find what makes me happy. I'm just hoping I can figure that out soon because right now I just feel very lost. But it will get better. It will be okay.

If only my life is like a movie, the turning point of my depression is inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled episodes on seizing my demons and just go on and live the rest of my life to happiness. If it is just that easy, I would hang in there. Life is easy but I am on the league of complicating it. I can totally identify. I get sad and mad at the same time at myself which gets nothing better. I guess feeling this way is just normal, a turning point. I just don’t understand why it happens but I know that the epic me will overcome this. What I always whisper is this phrase “GOD, please load me up". This crushing feeling would make and build me to have a better outlook in life. I am a strong-willed person. Depression is bad enough but if I trip on the aisle of the mart of my choice, I know very well I could conquer this, and I’ll just keep my head held high and point the universe that I deserve a kick in the nuts. The point is to be positive and stay positive all the time, which is the most important thing one could feel. I have a life. I am important and I do matter. So I have this touchstone now, I feel beaten down but all I know is that I don’t really need to just sit around and wait for other people to evoke my feelings. Instead, I can take responsibility to create my inner world. Pain is an indication that I need to set boundaries and take better care for myself. Yet sometimes, it is a reminder that it is human to hurt, to feel the pain and let ourselves get through it. That means feeling the pain and knowing it will pass. Lastly, negative feelings are only negative if they are enduring and excessive. We won’t hurt ourselves into internal misery, if we let ourselves what we need to. So far at the end of this day, the world still keeps on moving and the feelings that are associated with my world goes along with it. Everything we experience helps us realize how beautiful life really is.

I can make it through the rain J

-dyoyzee-