PROUD TO BE ME

Almost everything in this globe is subjective. So how will I know if I am making the right decision? Only because I can’t possibly please everyone. This concept is something we have to remind ourselves of constantly.This world that I live in will always want me to do more. With my seemingly carefree attitude that was often depicted as debilitating complacency, I know and feel that the world wanted more from me.  

I was not born a superhero, I can’t please everyone. A person's sexual orientation can be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or questioning. All of these sexual orientations are considered to be normal. I am a lesbian, and this fact has shaped my life profoundly. I have gradually learned that it is advantageous to be open about my sexual orientation. Disclosure is empowering: It allows me to be myself, integrate my public and private lives, voice my opinions, celebrate all of my achievements, and work passionately to increase tolerance and acceptance. I know that I deserve respect and recognize that I serve as an important role model. Coming out is a process that never ends. Every time I meet someone new, I must decide if, how, and when I will reveal my sexual orientation. I find it simplest to be candid. In general, I try to communicate who I am non-verbally, what you see is what you get. I love myself and every detail of my life. The bad, the good and everything in between. Yes I have struggled with my sexuality.  All my life I knew I was gay. I didn’t know why I was attracted to women when society and my family always embedded in my thoughts and heart that girls like boys. Why did I like girls? That was a BIG QUESTION and it has been answered many years ago.

Some may not necessarily agree with my sexual orientation, but the time has come for change. No matter what I decide to do, someone will always question my morals and criticize my choices. That's just how it is. But that’s just it. There is no right decision, at least not in the general sense of the phrase.  I know what is right for me, and I follow what my guts tells me. It’s so hard to follow your own gut but I have to be true to myself. The truth is everyone may not be happy with us 100% of the time but we must remain true to ourselves. If not, the results of not being true is that WE will be unhappy most of the time! By all means, I choose what resonates with my life and be it. But at the end of the day, I am happy and that’s a choice I make. Self-care is not selfish! Self-care is absolutely imperative to our overall well-being! We have to take care of ourselves to be any good to anyone else. We can’t fault those who send us hates and rejections, something like that. We’re individuals.  We have different tastes, likes, dislikes, trigger points, etc. Others will have different boundaries and make different decisions.  None of us is “wrong.”  Taste in all things is subjective. I understand that hatred is a powerful gel that binds unhappy people. Instead of focusing all that negative energy on gays and lesbians, whose lives really have no impact on yours, why not use it to remove all the obstacles that are preventing you from being happy and improving your own lives? Energy is finite and should be rationed wisely. Homophobia is just another excuse for not looking in the mirror, versus micromanaging other peoples’ lives. You will never feel that you matter by diminishing others, regardless of your hateful justifications biblical or otherwise. Eat peace, drink love, breath serenity. Lift others up and you too will rise.

 It’s really overrated, you can’t please everyone. So I have stopped worrying about what everyone thinks, wants or expects from me. No matter how much I try, I will never be able to please everyone, even if I really want to, and even if I think I can. This time I have these thoughts that even superheroes can’t please everyone. So instead of focusing on what people want you to do, focus on what you want to do and you will find yourself having a lot more peace of mind. I’m beautiful in my way coz God makes no mistake; I’m on the right track baby. I was born this way! Yes I am lesbian. DEAL with it. If someone can’t accept me or my life, well, I’m better off without you … Meet me half way…

-dyoyzee-

GUN SHOT

Summer and solitude had given me too much time to think and too little to occupy my head. On that typical season of the year, my mind was crowded with a number of thoughts about an infinite number of responsibilities. To say the least, I yearn for those distracting thoughts again. Unfortunately, they’ve been replaced handful of thoughts that have limited my sleep and have kept me on edge for days. I’ve spent all day trying to drown out the world, nothing works and nothing really works. Anyway, I digress from the point I wanted to make. The point is, this lack of space has really helped me get a check on my tendencies toward hoarding sentimental attachment to things. I have started to clean out, and I already took a giant bag of emotional baggage out of my system. I just want to get rid of the negative situations I encounter on my way. So I am guarding my thoughts from costiveness and keep my eyes on the ball. I can change what I can, but I have learned to accept what I cannot. Changing the past is a scientific impossibility, and so to rail against it is an exercise in futility. It is like digging a hole in then trying to put all the water in the ocean in that hole using a teaspoon. The point is gluts of hyperbole notwithstanding. So, I am learning to live in the present, leaving what’s past in the past and move on. The ghosts of the past will go away if it’s being ignored. I’ve been enough of thunderstorms so I think I deserve a little bit of sunshine. 
 
I can’t stand it when I hear people my age — namely me — reminisce about “the good old days,” when life was simpler, people were nicer, and gosh darn nobody had to lock their front doors. Life is truly easy now yet more challenging before. The other day, without even being conscious of it, I found myself starting to head down my memory lane again. Quite often people, not just old people, but people of all ages yearn to the past, believing it was a better time. They think and feel that their childhood, adolescence, and the time they were young was a great time. They think and believe that everything was better than it is now. This sometimes might be true, but not always. If you analyze these thoughts and feelings in an unprejudiced manner, you will arrive to the conclusion that your earlier years were not as great as you imagine. I have a certain theory about this, which I would like to share with you. People do not yearn to the actual past, to past circumstances and situations, which sometimes were good, and sometimes not so good. They yearn to something else. They yearn to two things. They yearn to the period when they were quite young, when they didn’t worry about money, work and possessions. They yearn to the times when they had no worries and problems, when grown up people took care of everything. It was a carefree period, and this is what they are missing now. Then there is another important thing, which they yearn to, although unconsciously. Most people, from the age of about 16 to about 30 have dreams, expectations, zest and energy. They are still young and the future is before them. Often, there is a certain feeling of euphoria and great expectations. This is the time when people are at the start of their life, still able to think big, before settling down, getting a job, getting married, and entering the hustle and bustle of life. When young, people use their imagination and daydream about a fabulous future, but as time rolls by, they forget their dreams and don’t use their imagination as before.

From time to time when I’m feeling down, I get this message popping in my mailbox reminding me what’s important and helping me look at the bright side of life. Even now, I find myself too worried about the future. It’s hard to not worry. I just have the need to know what is going to happen. I hate not knowing things. My present can be wonderful and my future will be even better. For now, I have stopped thinking of the past. I just think about living in the now working towards the future. I know I can’t forget the past because there were happy and sad memories that were part of my life, but I have to let them go. The past helped and teaches me what to do and not to do in the present, and how not to make the same mistakes again.

“Don't waste your life looking at the past. Treasure the happy memories, enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow. Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.”

-dyoyzee-

BOUND AND DETERMINED

Once again I sit here with the screen in front of me and I am ready to start this blog. I believe this is the nth time I made an effort to accomplish an end but its mean to be accomplished at one sitting was not attained. I always get a few days in and fizzle out. I come back days later and realized, I have an unfinished topic to dive into.  However this time, I am determined to keep at it, determined to keep with it at least for a decent while. I hope that I can hold myself to this as much as I am hoping I will. For I am not just writing this for me, but that’s part of it. I hope that being able to post some of what goes on randomly in life while the world keeps on going and going would bring a smile to someone’s face or those who may just come across this page.

Prompts.

We all need them and use them; ask for them, and sometimes, on rare occasions, when the old brain is really functioning at full capacity, we make our own.  Or better yet are those even rarer occasions, when a part of your brain actually writes the majority of a piece for you before you even realize that it’s happened.

There are times when usually in the shower or driving  when something hits me, that I’ve got something good going on up there, and that I have got to retain it until I can write it down!  Funny but I keep telling myself not to forget it.  I keep repeating the lines that my brain so artfully scripted for me, trying to commit them to memory.  But at the same time another part of my brain is writing the rest of the story.  It is expanding it and it runs different scenarios and applying the not yet written piece to my current life events.  It’s working its little ass off! Seems like my brain is constipated, words don’t come out so easily! LOL!

Oh,  and I have noticed that once I got that little tidbit written down, I got this  really big sense of relief and then my brain just goes freaking quiet and suddenly, it shuts up!  It’s like it has done its job and it just punched out for the day, leaving me there alone to sort out the rest and by which after committed to paper, it doesn’t have the same look or I feel that it did when it was bouncing around in my head or just when I think.  That’s just my brain yanking the chain for doubting it in the first place! It has brought brilliance but I give it a chance to recoup! This is what my brain birthed this morning at 6a.m.  I should name it “The Shower Chronicles” because that’s when it happened.  I wrote it wrapped in a towel and dripping wet because I thought I had   brilliance in the making!  (I think my brain is constipated.)  But I’ll be darned if I’m going to waste it! Well what else am I going to do with it; I have a love / hate relationship with the delete button.

Okay I’m finished.  Now that I read back over this piece, I don’t think my brain is constipated, I think it just has gas.

-dyoyzee-

TWO MAGIC WORDS: START AGAIN

You ain't got anything if you ain't got love. So, this is my life and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. Not felt this good about myself and life in ages, quite content at the moment actually. Things are going pretty good for once and I’ve been happy go lucky back. As I wake up this morning, I looked up in the sky and smiled at HIM, I’ve never been better. 2013 I’m beginning to think that you are going to be a brill year.

So I talked to myself in the mirror this morning, it’s high time to focus on myself and regroup. Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. I have finally come to terms that it is time to fly out and discover that there’s a whole new possibility of having a greater, better relationship with someone new. BUT, it is just way TOO SOON to fall in love again. I just know and feel that I can still love a lot of people even when my heart is under construction. I figure it will happen when it does, whether I am ready or not.

While I sit back and began drinking my coffee, I’VE GOT A WEIRD THING IN MY MIND. I felt I have acquired a low self-esteem probably years ago but I’ve come to realize that those negative thoughts actually have some use. First, they tell me in the moment where I’m “coming from” meaning it’s just a great indicator of what I’m creating for myself. Second, and even more useful, they help me see what it is that I want. Every negative thought has a positive thought behind it somewhere. I think part of the key is I need to see another choice of what to think, and once I’ll see that, I will be moving to that other thought naturally without force. Our thoughts are referential, we can remember that we spend most of our time; we simply measure up the world that we’ve created for ourselves up against the world that we want. With that little slight shift of attention from the world we’ve created to the world we want to create, our power can be restored. I believe though going back at one seemed to be a little harder once again. But hey, I’ve survived at first and this time, I’ll do it again. Well, I’m a firm believer. Things are bit hard at this moment of time. Problems may come but it will not stay that long to me. I was born a fighter and eventually, I will pick up on things quite quickly. I need to commit to changing; I’ll be kind, gentle and supportive of myself day by day. To be honest, I thought it was stupid to walk around telling myself “I am confident” and “I am good at what I do.” But I allowed myself to have an open mind and I found that it did work. Of course, that serves a resolution to me now. Talking to myself in the mirror is a bit challenge and it has given me a greater insights. That’s just who I am. I want to live in the moment and seize the day with nothing to worry more, but myself. There's one thing I have in my mind right now and that is for sure, I will love again...

To my future girlfriend, I have a short message for you:

If you would only come too soon, clearly I have no idea on who you are, what you look like, where you reside, how you act and when and where we will meet, but one thing is for sure: I’ll love you with all that I am.

Insights to remember:

Love is like a picnic: you bring what you can and share it with your loved one. If you bring more, it is not important, since you know that your beloved will try to provide more at another time. If the love is not profound, there will be questions about “what is around and served in the table”. Patience is also important. If someone genuinely cares about you, they’ll be patient with you; however, remember to have patience for yourself as well. 

-dyoyzee-