BOWLING ALONE

It’s February 28, mid afternoon, I am devastatingly lonely. And it is not surprising how this blog has started. Alone is okay. Being alone is a gift. I empathize massively and I find it best to embrace it - to ride it through like any other emotion: in my view, the ability to plumb the full depths of all emotions is what keeps us in balance and ultimately what keeps us calm inside - it turns into a kind of confidence in the cycles of life. The moments are sometimes difficult to get through as you were feeling - but you have to go through the darkness to get to the light.

So back to it, it’s pretty easy when you’re somewhat isolated to become completely focused on your own opinions and needs. I am not really alone. There are others out there that think the way I do, quite a few of them, actually. So I take my heart back with a positive mindset and I am not angling to be picked up. What happened has happened. Whatever twists it may offer, it is a –must face reality.

I said reality…this is what I feel, so be it…

I have noticed for the last couple of hours I have a lump in my throat and every few minutes tears fill my eyes but I don't cry. And I am dying to cry, for once and for all, cry for real. I feel I am repressing myself because right now I am at work. The longer I hold this cry inside me I am more scared to let it out. I am afraid of the sound it will make, I am afraid I wont be able to stop, I am scared I wont be able to breathe. But I think if I do cry, it will be such a tremendous release that I must do this. Sometimes I feel I am almost there, but I never cry.

TV makes the tears run down my face very easily. Every time someone finds love, every time someone loses a loved one. Stories about making a dream come true after working very hard for it. All those portrayed moments of unity, friendship, kindness, caring or generosity between people, those really get to me. I know these are reality sob stories designed to make you emotional. The connection to my life which is utterly missing any of the above is obvious. I am still not able to fully neither comprehend nor be closer to find a reason, but she lost me. And I don’t cry for now. It’s not yet sinking in. Coincidentally, as I am writing this blog, I remembered, it’s been a year now that someone shattered my heart into pieces. Yet, the feeling was gone and I am all healed by the flaws of time spent. And that’s not the case right now. It was incidental, to have a break up with the same date is seemingly peculiar.

It is true…it’s fine to romanticize loneliness, but it can be a heartbreaking trend. And for now I-want-to-cry-my-eyes-out!!! I want to let it all out! Feel my rib cage go up and down again and again, pushing all of the tears and the pain out of my body, I want to be able to make a sound, hear my own voice without worrying how it sounds, and get rid of the shame... why can’t I do that? I have this scream inside me, it is so shattering and chilling, how can something be so violent and strong yet so silent?

No one is worth always waiting for... life is too short.

-dyoyzee-

ONE STEP CLOSER

Here I am again, doodling on the strut. Thinking, as I begin to cast my cogitations on what topic to discourse. Right now, I am excited because tomorrow, I will be seeing the love of my life. It’s been a month I haven’t seen her. Seems like we are having this so called LDR fever, although we only have one town estrangement, but then there are lot of things to consider, so both of us have to deal with it. Every day on this planet, I am holding on this mantra “DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER” and that distance should be defied and considered as a test to make the bond stronger. We are not alone, for having a situation like this. In our case, I despise distance to keep our connection alive. With the assistance of internet, SMS or text messages and phone calls, we are able to keep the bond strong alive and kicking. Distance cannot, and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment, and love. I have a lot of friends who are in the same stage or maybe let’s just say, far beyond my spot, literally, they are miles away with their loved ones. I am sure that distance does not hurt, because there are ways to combat out-of-sight or out-of-mind temptations. Although, I just miss having regular dates, exciting activities and physical closeness with her. Even if, we have this so called long distance love affair LOL! We both believe that the key to a successful relationship is communication. Because we cannot be with each other to express feelings and be together physically, we consider communication (text messaging, calls, yahoo messenger chatting) as a vital element in our relationship. We both know that the more we talk, the closer we will become. The good thing about us is that we have the same feelings and emotions; we laugh at same joke, and share good and bad times. The only thing that is missing is the physical part. Well, if that is all you really care about in a relationship, then you are most likely not too serious about your feelings.

So, if you fall in love with someone who is very far, don’t ever let anyone discourage you by saying that you need to find someone who is near around and that you can’t be in love with someone who is miles away, because frankly, it isn’t true. If you truly love the person, then it doesn’t matter how near or far you are. Love can go the greatest of all distances, and if you hold that to be true then you will experience a feeling greater than any feeling you have ever felt before. Relationships of any kind can be hard, as well as very rewarding. If you are in a long distance relationship or if your loved one lives near you, nurture your relationship as best as you can. Millions and millions of people all around the world find it no problem. They survive it on a daily basis. And so can you! I’m right on baby! I am blessed to have known you, twice blessed to have loved you, and thrice blessed to have been loved by you. Baby, I'm pretty sure I didn't meet you just for nothing. Meeting you was my favorite scene of my life. I wish you were here or I was there. See you!

My eyes missed your smile, I miss the sound of your laugh, I miss the smell of your hair. I miss snuggling close to you. I miss you

I like my eye when you look at it,

I like my name when you call it,

I like my heart when you stay in it,

I love my life when you are part of it...

Whatever tomorrow brings, God will walk with us through it.

-dyoyzee-