Another Letter to Heaven

Papa, 

I tried not to cry but you always rock my core whenever I think of you. Fast forward …losing you was hands down the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. People who knew  I have lost a dad always tell me how strong I am and my first thought is always “how do they know if I’m strong?” they didn’t see me hysterically crying on my bedroom floor for hours because I was too weak and exhausted to do anything else. I did however come a day when I realized I was going to be okay. There wasn’t a particular moment but I remember one day realizing that I am growing old and losming you is the most difficult thing in this life. The saddest day ever! I write about strength now because I finally realized that strength isn’t measured by how heavy of weights I can lift, how many miles I can run or whether or not I cry. Even if I don’t feel strong all the time I have learned that no matter what happens, life keeps on moving, as much as you want it to pause sometimes it doesn’t. And I have learned that it takes a lot of strength sometimes to keep up with the pace. Some days are harder than others. I am missing you so much papa, and I wish I had your shoulder to lean on. The  past few years I’v been able to keep pace and take risks and I’m living in the moment. One of the many things you taught me was to enjoy the simple things in life. So after all, I want to spend the rest of my days on loving, being grateful and just being simply happy. 

Pa, thank you for showing me how strong I am and continuing to push me to grow and become stronger. Time moves so fast! Papa,how do you keep memories from  fading? I don’t want to forget anything about you ever… it feels like just yesterday…but it has been 3 years where has the time gone?You are missing out on so many things. The holidays without you, birthdays, or even ordinary days at home. So one time, I made a visit to our old house, all  flashed back to me. Papa, how I wish the internet can reach heaven, that I can see you on videocalls. You can update your status for us to know how are you. Upload pictures on everything that you’re doing. I keep on asking God to borrow just a minute of you here so that I can hug you one last time with a smile on your face, because the last time I saw you losing your breath, you shed tears and looked at me. I want to see you smile and hear your voice again even for awhile. Is it too much to ask that I want to see your face?

I love you papa. Thank you for being my father. I miss you. More than words can ever express, but somehow I think you know that. Thank you for being my heart, my world and my precious guardian angel 😘😇👴🏼 

CHOICES by heart and/ or by brain

After two years, finally, I've made up my mind or just because I have the chance to think and just lay down myself on the couch, and scribble my thoughts into a blog, so here's something that popped in my mind. Read on: If you have to choose what to follow, the heart or the brain, what would it be? Honestly for me, this  is one of the hardest battles!  I'm not sure whether its my heart or my  mind, but whats truly important is to listen to myself and not let the voice get drowned out. Sometimes being alone is the best way to try and listen to this inner voice of mine. 

We are thinking, feeling, behaving human beings. We are at our best, informed, healthiest selves when our thoughts and feelings are guiding our behavior. That is called being congruent (thoughts and feelings are informing the other and informing our behavior). When our thoughts and feelings are disconnected we are thinking one thing, feeling another thing, and behaving without much thought or feeling. This can be a disaster when it comes to love.💞❤️

When we are falling in love the brain creates such a powerful chemical change that scientists believe the euphoria of infatuation is a real, altered state of consciousness. When we meet someone we are attracted to our brain becomes saturated with what some call a “love cocktail”. Symptoms can include feeling happy and positive, increased energy, decreased need for sleep, exhilaration, increased motivation, and at times unrealistic optimistic. Our brain chemistry is helping us to overlook the negative qualities of our love interest. “Have you thought about the fact that he/she: Is recently separated from a long-term partner, hasn’t had work in over a year, or has a gambling addiction?” Your brain in love tends to overlook these things and thinks “We can work it out…we are different…she’s never had someone love her like I do.” This is your brain in love.🤣🤠👋🏼

So when it comes to love…your feelings and your thoughts are both very important. It’s the ability to be objective in the face of your brain chemistry moving into “love hyper-drive” that is key. This often takes some work before you fall in love when you are in a calmer brain state. You can then objectively identify the qualities you want and desire in a potential mate.👩‍❤️‍👩

I used to trust my heart. Now, I listen to my brain too. When it comes to love, earlier, my only goal was to find love and just love, love the other person as much as I can. Fall truly, deeply, madly in love. Now, my goal has extended from loving to protecting my heart. I will love, more or less in the same way, but this time, it is more about protecting my heart. There's no chance I can let it break again. In love, never forget yourself. Never. Love someone like it's the last time. But, do not forget to love yourself a little more. If you can't be your own self in front of someone, you don't love them. Until I find someone I can be just myself with, I won't settle. And that is why, I listen to my brain too. Your brain tells you what is right or wrong. You heart tells you that it is always right. Not everything is fair in love and war. Trust your heart and trust your brain. Not just one, until both of them tell you that it's right, it, most probably, isn't.⭐️🌈

On the issue of love and trust, we need to learn to strike a balance between our brain and heart when making decisions. Love will usually prompt us to do things without second thoughts and these things may end up with negative effects so its always good to think important decisions through. It's also important to not over think everything. Because it might drain the spontaneity out of love. So trust both by finding a middle ground between them. So generally, I opt to guard my heart. If I wil fail again, I choose to go on. I have only one life to live. Stressing myself or over thinking is what I hate. So whatever happens, I will just face and accept what's in store for me even if it's hard or heartbreaking. I will move on. I never tire of love- really- just the pain it invariably brings. Maybe its a skill I have to try and master- a level of maturity I have to achieve. Love brings responsibilities. Especially for myself alone and generally ourselves🎀🎈💜💙💚💛❤️🖤

-dyoyzee-

010917

A LETTER TO HEAVEN

DEAR PAPA,

Since I’m starting to blog again this summer, I have been going back and forth on whether or not to put these particular feelings in writing. I keep telling myself no, that it is too risky, and yet the same thoughts cloud my mind every time I start a new post. I’ve been writing in my mind for a week and I need to put it into words. Sometimes I think of getting rid of them, for my own peace of mind and it needs to have a piece of  my mind because I think this is the only way. So I still need to blog again anyway.  Well, I am still hurt. And before I try to put this behind me once and for all, there is one more thing left to say. You were a great man; an incredible man, kind, and loyal. You didn't come from the greatest place, but made sure your children did. You were supportive; you stood by our side for years through the ups and downs that dilemma brought into our lives. I'm in awe. I choked back tears whenever I think of you pa. Ten months. Ten long, short, devastating, exhilarating, empty, fulfilled, blurry, memorable months without you. How did I get here? It's truly such a blur, yet if I had another day with you I could fill it with the most incredible details of the life I've made for myself since the day I lost you.

I think the only thing I've really come to terms with is this:

I miss you.  In less than 2 months, it will be a year since you died.  I look back to a year  ago when I used to ponder in my mind what it would feel like once you were gone, never understanding fully that one day I would really have to feel it.  So here I am in the middle of it still completely uncertain on most days what it is I really do feel.

Lonely.  Sad.  Yes, even a little depressed.  Surprisingly tense.  A tinge emotionally unstable.  The latter two surprise me the most.  I never expected for the tears to well up in my eyes unexpectedly in almost a year after your death or to still feel anxious and tense in social situations where you may have been present.  I even find myself tense while mulling over problems or issues in my head, wishing I could call you and talk to you about it. Although most of the times I still text you telling all what I am up to in my life, what I am now and what are my plans and so on. Most of the time, I look up in the sky, believing that you look down on me. There are still times I woke with heaviness in my chest as though the weight of your death is trapped inside my rib cage.  Funny how the body does this to me from time to time, and there's simply no preventing or controlling it.  I can plan and prepare and think I will be just fine, but then I wake up at 5:30 and my first thought is, "It's here."  That pressure and sinking feeling, the burning in my stomach, the physical manifestation of summertime grief.

So, things are moving on, papa.  You are gone, and I am still standing.  Still standing.  This grief thing has thrown me for a complete loop, and I had no idea that I would still be working my way through the maze.  But I am.  And I am still working.  Still moving.  Still your daughter,` your eldest son` as you had introduced me to your Companeros even though you aren't here. And I will always be proud to call you Papa. I let my grief and fear of death completely overtake me. Watching you die 10 months ago  truly shook me to my core in more ways than I had ever realized. I started to look at life as a countdown; a ticking time bomb. Something in the past few months just clicked for me out of nowhere, and I can see now that life has been patiently waiting for me to go out and live it.

Now that's exactly what I intend to do!  With each day that passes without you, I reminded that I am so fortunate to have a papa worth missing. Despite my good intentions, of course I started crying completely unexpectedly right when I woke up this morning. It's just so bittersweet. I feel lucky to have known you, and I always will, but there's that part of me that will just remain sad. Well, this turned out to be quite depressing, this little letter to heaven.  Sometimes I don't even realize how sad I am until I write it out.  I wonder, papa, does the sad part ever go away?  I'm not quite sure it does.  And this is why I find it so hard to write these days.  It's easier not to think at all.  So much easier.  And if you were still alive, you would look at me and smile and say, "And that's okay." So I will just remain okay for quite a while.  Quite a long while.
Sometimes little blessings can emerge from such a tragedy... and that gives me hope.

I love you as always!

-AJ-

WHEN HE LEFT ME, FIVE MONTHS AFTER

Sorry I haven’t written in so long. I thank a friend for reminding or asking me about my blogging, because of her, I am here, scribbling my thoughts once again. It has me wanting to focus more of my attention on my blog.. I think I will get back to blogging and trying to enjoy that process again. So, I thought, since I have time (for now, since tomorrow is a holiday), then I can go back to blogging a little. I might have gone a few months between posting but I always got right back in there! I do remember noticing how much easier it was to post to facebook, and I think that has probably contributed to my lack of blog posting. Facebook just seemed more social, especially when comments left on the blog became few and far between.Devoting time to a social platform that can change on a whim just starts seeming like a potential waste of time. I've found that when I take a little bit of time just for me, I can give of myself easier. 

For the first time...I don't know how to start typing. I don't know if this is going to feel good to write again or if I'm going realize I am not ready to write again. This blog post is not about me being morbid nor is it about me feeling sorry for myself. The main reason why I stopped blogging for months now was all because of my dad’s passing. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things in the world and people want to know how to deal with it. It’s strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but haven’t heard much from them about what it’s been like. I’m learning it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old are you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn’t matter what culture you come from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this. I had a couple of good months where I felt the pain was easing. Most significantly, I stopped thinking of my father as often as the dead man lying on the hospital bed all covered in white. That phase was one of the most difficult. Perhaps one or two months after his death I started getting the more normal images of my father when I thought of him: papa playing his favorite Engelbert Humperdink hit list, papa sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching NBA. Although the weeping hadn’t stopped, it became less frequent and less intense. When I’m sad about something I remember papa. When I have hopes and dreams fulfilled, he is my first thought. When I’m just normal, I remember him. I have had a few dreams, some good and some horrific to wake up from, but he was there and a message is sent along the way. He was smiling, and he’s in his youth waving and laughing. He looked like he was in his 30s. He had a huge smile on his face. He was happy and he wanted me to know that. It must be important for our subconscious mind to convince itself that our loved ones are in a better place. This must be part of the healing process. I wake up from these dreams missing my father terribly but feeling happy for him. It does help to see him in my dreams.

 

On family occasions and holidays, I may not have papa here on Earth, but I can celebrate it with him from my little spot on this globe. I know, without a doubt, that papa is in heaven. And just like he always made everything on earth here, pretty for me, he is up in heaven making it pretty for me. And my life will never be the same without him. But I want to go forward in the rest of my life living each day to the fullest, in honor of papa. I will never, ever be over the fact he was ripped from me or how. I will miss him every day. But we do survive if we choose too, and one day you will have a memory that doesn't start with horror, but with a smile for having had that moment. So every moment I remember papa, I keep finding myself reaching up to the sky with my arms wide open up high and sometimes wave my hands high. Hi there papcy, hope, everything’s okay there. I’ll be seeing you when my time has come. I love you so much and I miss you…

-dyoyzee-

MY LIFE WITH HER

I plan on posting something new every day. It could be what's on my mind that day or just something completely random. I'm the kind of person that starts something and doesn't finish it. But today, i am writing about the woman who became my friend, my other half, my confidante and my EVERYTHING. This is going to be tricky, should I skirt around the issue and make some back story first or just go directly without having much ado. Where does a person begin to write a love story that seems built on so many vivid, real events of earlier years?! Although Lyn and I only met almost a year ago, it is incredible to look back on the many, many ways the Lord used situations in my life to prepare me for the joy of falling in love with Lyn-- long before I knew she existed. I don't want to spoil it so me and Lyn dug up love online. Thanks to Facebook. After a couple of months on being in a long distance relationship, she told me exactly this... " I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level. So I took the time out and did what I needed to do and my mind and head are completely clear and I'm ready to give you 100%".  SILENCE... Nothing but SILENCE... Finally  I answered " OK, I agree, I'm excited to see you then. I'll be waiting babe.



I know that living as a couple is not easy. If you really love one another because you are so willing to give, do whatever it takes to make it work, a  relationship is without a doubt hard work. But if the person is worth it, you enjoy putting in your all for the relationship. Still to this day I love treating her like a princess. Our relationship is not perfect but we continue to make communication a key component in our togetherness.  If something bothers us, or we are feeling a certain way, we talk about it. My favorite thing to do is to be just Lyn and I. I look forward to the evenings and days where we get to be alone and do whatever, even if it's nothing at all.  She is my best friend, my soul mate...she is my everything. Our relationship may not be conventional but there is no book of rules on LOVE. We LOVE each other more than anything, and respect each other completely. To me, she is the most prettiest, kind, caring person I know. She is willing to help anyone, she's smart, charming, sometimes crazy and has the most addicting laugh I have ever heard. She is also sloppy, forgetful, stubborn at times, but when you love someone, you love ALL of them, good bad, ugly and sad.I love her when she farts loud,  when she burps, and when she stinks up the bathroom. I love her when he snores because she had a hard day but she don' t want to admit she's snoring. LOL! When she steals all of the blankets while we sleep, I love her and when she leaves a trail of clothing in the bedroom to the bathroom and repeatedly walks over it without picking anything up. EVERY SINGLE MORNING without fail! I think about her every second, of every minute of every day. I get so excited when I hear her pull through the door that I run  and smile like a little kid to meet her at the door!!! I love waking up in the morning and help her pack her food. I love driving her to the highway and help her catch her bus to work and  fetch her in the afternoon or evening.  And honestly, looking back, the only regrets I have were times when I doubted that reality in my life. On many occasions I would remind myself of the quote by Jim Elliot, “Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.” Even today I desire more of that passionate urgency to treasure and make the most of each season of life! . But this time, however, I could live with the peace and excitement that I was fulfilling God’s purpose for my life. So whatever things to come on my journey to life with Lyn, I will accept and face the challenges for we both know that despite any blunders we make, it will still happen, and if this wasn't God's choice then we should be thankful for that since His way is always best.

To my partner, my babe, thank you for Che, because of her, I want to strive more. It really feels good being called "Dad" by this cute and smart young girl.  I never regret a day having the two of you in my life. You colored my days and gave it a meaning and I wouldn't trade you for anything.  Babe, I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you. It’s crazy because I don’t even know when you became so important to me. It’s like watching a star falling from the sky. I treasure every moment with you. I still look at you and fall in love with you everyday. I'm not a relationship expert but I promise to not get lazy in my love for you. I will not always be present every time, I will protect my heart just as I am committed being the protector of your heart. What we have isn't about happily ever after. It' s a commitment to work upon. You are my life and I am willing to do whatever it takes just to be with you over and over again.

Lyn, I Love you babe without knowing how, or when or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way

-dyoyzee-

BE HUMBLE & STAY SIMPLE

Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light. I believe that everything in life is a process. When something dramatic and fast hits us, it will take time to process it and start over. Don’t let anyone make you feel small. We control our thoughts.  Someone can only ever make you feel small if you let them.  Don’t get mired in the negative energy put out by other people.  It will only ever hold you back personally and/or professionally.  Pursue your life’s journey with passion, honesty, integrity, dignity, empathy, valor and love and then let the chips fall where
they may.  When you stumble, pick yourself up and keep moving forward anyway.  If someone else wants to be an obstacle in your path toward happiness and enlightenment, then step around them or avoid them altogether. If someone is not being kind or helpful, then they are either being hurtful or providing no value whatsoever.  Why bother with them? Many of us come from humble beginnings. We make something of ourselves through pursuit of knowledge, integrity, hard work, and a bit of good fortune. Yes, people have every right to be proud of the success that they’ve earned. But that doesn’t give them the right to be rude or disrespectful to others.


Some people get a big thrill from boasting about their accomplishments or showing off their possessions. They’ve convinced themselves that they’re better than others are. The fact is, some folks let success go to their head, and they gain a weird satisfaction from pushing people around. That’s wrong. On the other hand, just as it’s disgusting for the “haves” to look down on others, it’s equally disdainful for “have-nots” to resent those who’ve worked hard and have rightfully earned their success. The truth is, all the money in the world doesn’t make you a better person. It simply means that you have more money. Real wealth is achieved by appreciating what you already have in life. After all, money can’t buy everything. It can’t buy a close-knit family, good friends, a clear conscience, work-life balance, a happy home, a second chance in life, or good karma, among other things. So, don’t let success go to your head. Be humble. Humility is a sign of strength, not weakness. People with humility possess an inner peace. They’re modest about their achievements, grounded in their values, and they have nothing to prove to others. They’re down to earth, comfortable in their own skin, and quietly proud. Humble people shift their focus from taking to giving, from talking about themselves to listening to others, from hoarding the credit to deflecting the praise, and from being a “know-it-all” to knowing there’s so much more in life worth learning. The greatest successes comes when you put others first. And more than likely you needed someone else’s help along the way. If we make it all about us we find ourselves in a very lonely spot. People, who care about the needs of others and give of themselves, go much further in life. As you say, “put others first” and recognize people, who help you, along the way. As Patti Thor says, “It’s not that successful people are givers; it is that givers are successful people.”  

Get off your high horse. Treat everyone with dignity and respect. You may be successful, but that doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Bragging is ugly. There’s a difference between excitement and bragging. We know you’re thrilled about your new “toy,” but others may be cutting back on their basic needs — be sensitive. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.”Trust me. Money and success can’t buy a person’s trust or guarantee a good reputation. You earn these through your words and actions. There’s nothing more valuable in life than integrity. Trust me. We often get caught up in our own success, that we forget the true gift of humility. On a personal note, nothing makes me happier than being able to stay humble, wherever my feet will lead me, I will always stay simple, loving and humble. Thanks to my mom and dad who taught me to always put my feet on the ground.

-dyoyzee-

PROUD TO BE ME

Almost everything in this globe is subjective. So how will I know if I am making the right decision? Only because I can’t possibly please everyone. This concept is something we have to remind ourselves of constantly.This world that I live in will always want me to do more. With my seemingly carefree attitude that was often depicted as debilitating complacency, I know and feel that the world wanted more from me.  

I was not born a superhero, I can’t please everyone. A person's sexual orientation can be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or questioning. All of these sexual orientations are considered to be normal. I am a lesbian, and this fact has shaped my life profoundly. I have gradually learned that it is advantageous to be open about my sexual orientation. Disclosure is empowering: It allows me to be myself, integrate my public and private lives, voice my opinions, celebrate all of my achievements, and work passionately to increase tolerance and acceptance. I know that I deserve respect and recognize that I serve as an important role model. Coming out is a process that never ends. Every time I meet someone new, I must decide if, how, and when I will reveal my sexual orientation. I find it simplest to be candid. In general, I try to communicate who I am non-verbally, what you see is what you get. I love myself and every detail of my life. The bad, the good and everything in between. Yes I have struggled with my sexuality.  All my life I knew I was gay. I didn’t know why I was attracted to women when society and my family always embedded in my thoughts and heart that girls like boys. Why did I like girls? That was a BIG QUESTION and it has been answered many years ago.

Some may not necessarily agree with my sexual orientation, but the time has come for change. No matter what I decide to do, someone will always question my morals and criticize my choices. That's just how it is. But that’s just it. There is no right decision, at least not in the general sense of the phrase.  I know what is right for me, and I follow what my guts tells me. It’s so hard to follow your own gut but I have to be true to myself. The truth is everyone may not be happy with us 100% of the time but we must remain true to ourselves. If not, the results of not being true is that WE will be unhappy most of the time! By all means, I choose what resonates with my life and be it. But at the end of the day, I am happy and that’s a choice I make. Self-care is not selfish! Self-care is absolutely imperative to our overall well-being! We have to take care of ourselves to be any good to anyone else. We can’t fault those who send us hates and rejections, something like that. We’re individuals.  We have different tastes, likes, dislikes, trigger points, etc. Others will have different boundaries and make different decisions.  None of us is “wrong.”  Taste in all things is subjective. I understand that hatred is a powerful gel that binds unhappy people. Instead of focusing all that negative energy on gays and lesbians, whose lives really have no impact on yours, why not use it to remove all the obstacles that are preventing you from being happy and improving your own lives? Energy is finite and should be rationed wisely. Homophobia is just another excuse for not looking in the mirror, versus micromanaging other peoples’ lives. You will never feel that you matter by diminishing others, regardless of your hateful justifications biblical or otherwise. Eat peace, drink love, breath serenity. Lift others up and you too will rise.

 It’s really overrated, you can’t please everyone. So I have stopped worrying about what everyone thinks, wants or expects from me. No matter how much I try, I will never be able to please everyone, even if I really want to, and even if I think I can. This time I have these thoughts that even superheroes can’t please everyone. So instead of focusing on what people want you to do, focus on what you want to do and you will find yourself having a lot more peace of mind. I’m beautiful in my way coz God makes no mistake; I’m on the right track baby. I was born this way! Yes I am lesbian. DEAL with it. If someone can’t accept me or my life, well, I’m better off without you … Meet me half way…

-dyoyzee-