Sorry I haven’t written in so long. I thank a friend for
reminding or asking me about my blogging, because of her, I am here, scribbling
my thoughts once again. It has me wanting to focus more of my attention on my
blog.. I think I will get back to blogging and trying to enjoy that process
again. So, I thought, since I have time (for now, since tomorrow is a holiday), then I can go back to blogging
a little. I might have gone a few months between posting but I always got right
back in there! I do remember noticing how much easier it was to post to
facebook, and I think that has probably contributed to my lack of blog
posting. Facebook just seemed more social, especially when comments left on the
blog became few and far between.Devoting time to a social platform that can
change on a whim just starts seeming like a potential waste of time. I've found
that when I take a little bit of time just for me, I can give of myself
easier. 
For the first time...I don't know how to start typing. I
don't know if this is going to feel good to write again or if I'm going realize
I am not ready to write again. This blog post is not about me being morbid nor
is it about me feeling sorry for myself. The main reason why I stopped blogging
for months now was all because of my dad’s passing. Losing a parent is one of
the most difficult things in the world and people want to know how to deal with
it. It’s strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but haven’t
heard much from them about what it’s been like. I’m learning it’s not as easy
as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old are you or your parents
are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the
world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn’t matter what culture you come
from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People
seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this. I
had a couple of good months where I felt the pain was easing. Most
significantly, I stopped thinking of my father as often as the dead man lying
on the hospital bed all covered in white. That phase was one of the most
difficult. Perhaps one or two months after his death I started getting the more
normal images of my father when I thought of him: papa playing his favorite
Engelbert Humperdink hit list, papa sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching
NBA. Although the weeping hadn’t stopped, it became less frequent and less
intense. When I’m sad about something I remember papa. When I have hopes and
dreams fulfilled, he is my first thought. When I’m just normal, I remember him.
I have had a few dreams, some good and some horrific to wake up from, but he
was there and a message is sent along the way. He was smiling, and he’s in his
youth waving and laughing. He looked like he was in his 30s. He had a huge
smile on his face. He was happy and he wanted me to know that. It must be
important for our subconscious mind to convince itself that our loved ones are
in a better place. This must be part of the healing process. I wake up from
these dreams missing my father terribly but feeling happy for him. It does help
to see him in my dreams.
On family occasions and holidays, I may not have papa here
on Earth, but I can celebrate it with him from my little spot on this globe. I
know, without a doubt, that papa is in heaven. And just like he always made
everything on earth here, pretty for me, he is up in heaven making it pretty
for me. And my life will never be the same without him. But I want to go
forward in the rest of my life living each day to the fullest, in honor of
papa. I will never, ever be over the fact he was ripped from me or how. I will
miss him every day. But we do survive if we choose too, and one day you will
have a memory that doesn't start with horror, but with a smile for having had
that moment. So every moment I remember papa, I keep finding myself reaching up
to the sky with my arms wide open up high and sometimes wave my hands high. Hi there
papcy, hope, everything’s okay there. I’ll be seeing you when my time has come.
I love you so much and I miss you…
-dyoyzee-
