WHEN HE LEFT ME, FIVE MONTHS AFTER

Sorry I haven’t written in so long. I thank a friend for reminding or asking me about my blogging, because of her, I am here, scribbling my thoughts once again. It has me wanting to focus more of my attention on my blog.. I think I will get back to blogging and trying to enjoy that process again. So, I thought, since I have time (for now, since tomorrow is a holiday), then I can go back to blogging a little. I might have gone a few months between posting but I always got right back in there! I do remember noticing how much easier it was to post to facebook, and I think that has probably contributed to my lack of blog posting. Facebook just seemed more social, especially when comments left on the blog became few and far between.Devoting time to a social platform that can change on a whim just starts seeming like a potential waste of time. I've found that when I take a little bit of time just for me, I can give of myself easier. 

For the first time...I don't know how to start typing. I don't know if this is going to feel good to write again or if I'm going realize I am not ready to write again. This blog post is not about me being morbid nor is it about me feeling sorry for myself. The main reason why I stopped blogging for months now was all because of my dad’s passing. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things in the world and people want to know how to deal with it. It’s strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but haven’t heard much from them about what it’s been like. I’m learning it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old are you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn’t matter what culture you come from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this. I had a couple of good months where I felt the pain was easing. Most significantly, I stopped thinking of my father as often as the dead man lying on the hospital bed all covered in white. That phase was one of the most difficult. Perhaps one or two months after his death I started getting the more normal images of my father when I thought of him: papa playing his favorite Engelbert Humperdink hit list, papa sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching NBA. Although the weeping hadn’t stopped, it became less frequent and less intense. When I’m sad about something I remember papa. When I have hopes and dreams fulfilled, he is my first thought. When I’m just normal, I remember him. I have had a few dreams, some good and some horrific to wake up from, but he was there and a message is sent along the way. He was smiling, and he’s in his youth waving and laughing. He looked like he was in his 30s. He had a huge smile on his face. He was happy and he wanted me to know that. It must be important for our subconscious mind to convince itself that our loved ones are in a better place. This must be part of the healing process. I wake up from these dreams missing my father terribly but feeling happy for him. It does help to see him in my dreams.

 

On family occasions and holidays, I may not have papa here on Earth, but I can celebrate it with him from my little spot on this globe. I know, without a doubt, that papa is in heaven. And just like he always made everything on earth here, pretty for me, he is up in heaven making it pretty for me. And my life will never be the same without him. But I want to go forward in the rest of my life living each day to the fullest, in honor of papa. I will never, ever be over the fact he was ripped from me or how. I will miss him every day. But we do survive if we choose too, and one day you will have a memory that doesn't start with horror, but with a smile for having had that moment. So every moment I remember papa, I keep finding myself reaching up to the sky with my arms wide open up high and sometimes wave my hands high. Hi there papcy, hope, everything’s okay there. I’ll be seeing you when my time has come. I love you so much and I miss you…

-dyoyzee-

MY LIFE WITH HER

I plan on posting something new every day. It could be what's on my mind that day or just something completely random. I'm the kind of person that starts something and doesn't finish it. But today, i am writing about the woman who became my friend, my other half, my confidante and my EVERYTHING. This is going to be tricky, should I skirt around the issue and make some back story first or just go directly without having much ado. Where does a person begin to write a love story that seems built on so many vivid, real events of earlier years?! Although Lyn and I only met almost a year ago, it is incredible to look back on the many, many ways the Lord used situations in my life to prepare me for the joy of falling in love with Lyn-- long before I knew she existed. I don't want to spoil it so me and Lyn dug up love online. Thanks to Facebook. After a couple of months on being in a long distance relationship, she told me exactly this... " I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level. So I took the time out and did what I needed to do and my mind and head are completely clear and I'm ready to give you 100%".  SILENCE... Nothing but SILENCE... Finally  I answered " OK, I agree, I'm excited to see you then. I'll be waiting babe.



I know that living as a couple is not easy. If you really love one another because you are so willing to give, do whatever it takes to make it work, a  relationship is without a doubt hard work. But if the person is worth it, you enjoy putting in your all for the relationship. Still to this day I love treating her like a princess. Our relationship is not perfect but we continue to make communication a key component in our togetherness.  If something bothers us, or we are feeling a certain way, we talk about it. My favorite thing to do is to be just Lyn and I. I look forward to the evenings and days where we get to be alone and do whatever, even if it's nothing at all.  She is my best friend, my soul mate...she is my everything. Our relationship may not be conventional but there is no book of rules on LOVE. We LOVE each other more than anything, and respect each other completely. To me, she is the most prettiest, kind, caring person I know. She is willing to help anyone, she's smart, charming, sometimes crazy and has the most addicting laugh I have ever heard. She is also sloppy, forgetful, stubborn at times, but when you love someone, you love ALL of them, good bad, ugly and sad.I love her when she farts loud,  when she burps, and when she stinks up the bathroom. I love her when he snores because she had a hard day but she don' t want to admit she's snoring. LOL! When she steals all of the blankets while we sleep, I love her and when she leaves a trail of clothing in the bedroom to the bathroom and repeatedly walks over it without picking anything up. EVERY SINGLE MORNING without fail! I think about her every second, of every minute of every day. I get so excited when I hear her pull through the door that I run  and smile like a little kid to meet her at the door!!! I love waking up in the morning and help her pack her food. I love driving her to the highway and help her catch her bus to work and  fetch her in the afternoon or evening.  And honestly, looking back, the only regrets I have were times when I doubted that reality in my life. On many occasions I would remind myself of the quote by Jim Elliot, “Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.” Even today I desire more of that passionate urgency to treasure and make the most of each season of life! . But this time, however, I could live with the peace and excitement that I was fulfilling God’s purpose for my life. So whatever things to come on my journey to life with Lyn, I will accept and face the challenges for we both know that despite any blunders we make, it will still happen, and if this wasn't God's choice then we should be thankful for that since His way is always best.

To my partner, my babe, thank you for Che, because of her, I want to strive more. It really feels good being called "Dad" by this cute and smart young girl.  I never regret a day having the two of you in my life. You colored my days and gave it a meaning and I wouldn't trade you for anything.  Babe, I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you. It’s crazy because I don’t even know when you became so important to me. It’s like watching a star falling from the sky. I treasure every moment with you. I still look at you and fall in love with you everyday. I'm not a relationship expert but I promise to not get lazy in my love for you. I will not always be present every time, I will protect my heart just as I am committed being the protector of your heart. What we have isn't about happily ever after. It' s a commitment to work upon. You are my life and I am willing to do whatever it takes just to be with you over and over again.

Lyn, I Love you babe without knowing how, or when or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way

-dyoyzee-

BE HUMBLE & STAY SIMPLE

Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light. I believe that everything in life is a process. When something dramatic and fast hits us, it will take time to process it and start over. Don’t let anyone make you feel small. We control our thoughts.  Someone can only ever make you feel small if you let them.  Don’t get mired in the negative energy put out by other people.  It will only ever hold you back personally and/or professionally.  Pursue your life’s journey with passion, honesty, integrity, dignity, empathy, valor and love and then let the chips fall where
they may.  When you stumble, pick yourself up and keep moving forward anyway.  If someone else wants to be an obstacle in your path toward happiness and enlightenment, then step around them or avoid them altogether. If someone is not being kind or helpful, then they are either being hurtful or providing no value whatsoever.  Why bother with them? Many of us come from humble beginnings. We make something of ourselves through pursuit of knowledge, integrity, hard work, and a bit of good fortune. Yes, people have every right to be proud of the success that they’ve earned. But that doesn’t give them the right to be rude or disrespectful to others.


Some people get a big thrill from boasting about their accomplishments or showing off their possessions. They’ve convinced themselves that they’re better than others are. The fact is, some folks let success go to their head, and they gain a weird satisfaction from pushing people around. That’s wrong. On the other hand, just as it’s disgusting for the “haves” to look down on others, it’s equally disdainful for “have-nots” to resent those who’ve worked hard and have rightfully earned their success. The truth is, all the money in the world doesn’t make you a better person. It simply means that you have more money. Real wealth is achieved by appreciating what you already have in life. After all, money can’t buy everything. It can’t buy a close-knit family, good friends, a clear conscience, work-life balance, a happy home, a second chance in life, or good karma, among other things. So, don’t let success go to your head. Be humble. Humility is a sign of strength, not weakness. People with humility possess an inner peace. They’re modest about their achievements, grounded in their values, and they have nothing to prove to others. They’re down to earth, comfortable in their own skin, and quietly proud. Humble people shift their focus from taking to giving, from talking about themselves to listening to others, from hoarding the credit to deflecting the praise, and from being a “know-it-all” to knowing there’s so much more in life worth learning. The greatest successes comes when you put others first. And more than likely you needed someone else’s help along the way. If we make it all about us we find ourselves in a very lonely spot. People, who care about the needs of others and give of themselves, go much further in life. As you say, “put others first” and recognize people, who help you, along the way. As Patti Thor says, “It’s not that successful people are givers; it is that givers are successful people.”  

Get off your high horse. Treat everyone with dignity and respect. You may be successful, but that doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Bragging is ugly. There’s a difference between excitement and bragging. We know you’re thrilled about your new “toy,” but others may be cutting back on their basic needs — be sensitive. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.”Trust me. Money and success can’t buy a person’s trust or guarantee a good reputation. You earn these through your words and actions. There’s nothing more valuable in life than integrity. Trust me. We often get caught up in our own success, that we forget the true gift of humility. On a personal note, nothing makes me happier than being able to stay humble, wherever my feet will lead me, I will always stay simple, loving and humble. Thanks to my mom and dad who taught me to always put my feet on the ground.

-dyoyzee-